Once upon a time, there was a little you who had no clue about what she wanted to do later in life, what her purpose was, why she was there; and she was totally fine with that, because she was free and she lived in the present moment, opening her wings wide, never scared to get burned…
Fast speed forward to the present day…
“What’s your life purpose?” – “If you wish hard enough and work hard, your dreams will come true” – “Where do you want to be in 5 years?” – “You’ve got to set your goal and work for it” – “What’s your next step?” – and so on… and so on…
Have you ever heard those kind of words before? Let me guess… I’m sure you have; many times. Actually, you might even say them to yourself on a regular basis so you can keep going in the direction you want. I certainly have heard many people asking me those questions, especially now that I’m not working. “So Cendrine, what’s your plan now?”
Mmmmm….. “I have no plan!” – I have no clue what I want to be doing now, or in 5 years. My life purpose? Mmmmm… I’m pretty sure it’s to be right here, right now, writing those words but apart from that, no clue!
All my plans, my dreams, my steps to achieve them, my sense of purpose are gone – ‘Puff’ – they went into smoke when I closed my studio. I burned them all down like the phoenix that I am: ‘Cendrine’ written this way actually does mean ‘the resurrection of the ashes’. The phoenix constantly being reborn. I’m not sure I’d called that name a gift from mum and dad though… I’m kinda getting tired of the destroyer part haha! But I’ve learnt to always be grateful and to be proud of who I am; and I am getting pretty used to the pattern now. I do get to enjoy it in a certain way as I know that I do actually grow bigger every time I am born again, after bombing something in my life.
Right now, I’m just starting to being reborn… a baby phoenix who has no clue about what she’s doing there with a physical body, a baby phoenix that is pretty excited to be freshly born though, because she’s got her mojo going again, like the baby flame that lightens everything up on its way. Having no purpose feels so light, like new feathers, unstained by life, ready to take me as high as I will allow myself to fly; only following life itself as a purpose.
During my private sessions with clients, I would very often meet people asking me questions relating to that: “I want to know my life purpose”, “I too, want to create something big, realise my dream, but where should I start, what’s my next step?”, “I’ve decided to follow my dream and work hard for it, I just want to know if I’m making the right decision”…
Now, please, take a moment to think about this: If you don’t have a life purpose, a goal, if you don’t know where you’re going, what’s your next step; how does that make you feel?
I bet it’s not that nice and exciting, isn’t it? It’s better not to think about the fact that you actually might not really have a purpose in life, a next step, because then, what does it say about you? How are others going to react if they knew you had zero clue about what you are doing right now and why; where you want to be in 5 years and your next steps to get there.
We live in a society that’s very goal oriented. This brain-washing attitude is a ‘quality’ that we put on children from a very young age. “What do you want to do when you’re a grown up?”. Then when you’re in college, it’s “what will you study at uni?”, “What’s your plan next”? Then when you are supposed to have figured that part out, come the need to know more about your life purpose, your next goal, what you want to achieve in life. It never really stops does it? We are always kind of expected to have a goal and work bloody hard to get there.
Let me tell you a secret… I’ve got literally no clue what I’m doing right now, no real plans for the future, no ideas at all… Did that freak me out in the first place? Hell yes it did! And it still does at times. But then, ideas come, new horizons open up. It’s not that I don’t have some stuff brewing within, it’s more like I have no real purpose or goal… at all…
The flow of life and the crazy Wellingtonian wind are pushing me to open my wings again and start flying. And on a day like today, I’d better learn to fly skilfully quickly if I don’t want to get smashed on the first tree! Maybe waiting, resting and trusting this ‘having-no-clue’ period is the way to go until I feel strong enough to start flying again. Let’s nest a little longer baby Phoenix, you’ve burnt yourself down big time and your feathers are not fully grown back yet… Wait for the colours to shine bright and foryour wings to grow big, so no crazy wind or life event can take you down. Patience… that’s a very difficult quality to cultivate don’t you think?
“Always look at what you’re learning, what you are feeling… Always learn to love yourself more and more and more and more… You’re the only one who can do it, no one else can”. I’ve learnt this because, as I was having this massive burn-out brain-fried experience, something changed…
After having cried for ages feeling miserable about my life and feeling useless for being nowhere at 37, with no money, no house of my own, no partner, no plans, no goals, no purpose, no clues, (but YES, I do have my kids- THE best ever in my entire life – like ever!), the only option I had then was to actually experience myself in true presence. I started practising silence for hours and hours on end… It’s just basically having no music, no computers, no tv on all day. I ate in silence looking out the window, I turned my phone off, avoided my computer, learned to be in the present moment with the sounds of life, the sounds of my breath, the sounds of the wind in the trees and the birds singing.
After the internal and external storms, the burning of the Phoenix, calmness came and wrapped me in a blanket of pure awareness, of total letting go, of total trust. It is a hard feeling to explain, I had never experienced it to such a deep level before because I had never be in the place of ‘not knowing’ like I am now.
I started turning to some tools that have helped me in the past, such as reading books and listening to awesome spiritual teachers online.
Matt Kahn is probably THE spiritual teacher to go to by the way. Down-to-earth, hilarious, spot on and always deep AF; you can’t find better. So this awesome human being released these online videos called “The Apathy of Options” and “Unknow Yourself” and again, he helped me to let go of the need to control whatever is happening now (or more like – not happening) and to trust; trust God, myself, and the perfection of life itself.
He put into words what I had been feeling. When life takes you by the hand and drives you to unknown places within yourself and instead of freaking out, you actually come to embrace them and bless them. When you accept to relinquish control, the needs to have goals, a purpose, dreams and direction; all that you bring in is acceptance, presence and your pure beingness.
So often being goal oriented requires pushing through when all that your soul craves for is actually to take time and step back. So often seeing others and comparing yourself to what they are achieving brings a sense of failure and the misconception that you have to try harder because you too, you can do it. So often do we crave to have a break but we need to keep on working because ‘we have no other options’…
We all want to be someone, to belong to society, to be respected by our friends and our community… For that, we often feel the need to accomplish things, to show we can do stuff, to show we are going somewhere. But then, doesn’t it make us feel lonely, sad, a failure, when we can’t do that any longer? When we burn-out, have a mid-life crisis, break up a relationship, quit a job… When we have no-clue and become lost… who are we then?
This is when the “BADASS” part kicks-in!!! Yeah sis, that’s super badass to have no clue and actually own it fully; because this is the fucking hardest thing ever to do, to be, to show. When there is so much pressure felt to be a certain w
ay, it’s very badass to own the fact that that way isn’t working! Simply saying “I have not a single idea about what I’m doing right now, why I’m here and what’s my next step; but you know what, I’m actually ok with it and even love it!”.
Say this out loud:
“For the time being, and for as long as I have to be in this unknown place, I will honour myself by feeling happy in the present moment, because it is the only moment that counts and the happiest moment of all, because I am with my gorgeous self, open to life, trusting that whatever comes is a gift from life itself so I can learn, I can grow, and I can open my wings and fly just the way I want to fly…”
Breathe my friends… Embrace this very moment right here, right now…
There is something I need to clarify though!
We are all different and every single one of us will oscillate between ups and downs. At times, you might feel super driven, knowing where you’re going to fulfil your purpose. If it’s yo right now, your might be thinking, what the hell is Cendrine talking about? That’s a ton of crap! (I’m not offended by the way – so please keep on reading;-). At other times though, you might have no clue. When you’re in the first phase mentioned, embrace it!!! I’m certainly NOT saying that having a goal, a purpose, a dream and working hard to get there is bad – no no no – It’s like, super dooper cool so go get it unapologetically ok?
When you’re on that wave, get what you want, drop the fears and negative beliefs, believe in yourself and your dream, because YES YOU CAN!
What I’m writing about here is when you are not in that space of beingness. The one that is supposedly a wrong place to be, something that you have to hide or pretend isn’t happening. I want to tell you it’s ok to be in that state… because it happens, it will always happen at a certain stage in your life. Don’t allow a crisis that takes your purpose away and smash it to the grown to ever take YOU down. What is down then, is NOT YOU, it is just a dream you had, something, an idea… it is certainly not the awesome being that lives inside this body of yours. You too my friend, are a Phoenix… You too, have within you, some cycles of destruction, change, emptiness that are very strong to feel in the moment but that are there so you can be reborn and become stronger and brighter than ever.
When you are in a place like the place I am in myself right now; it’s an amazing chance given by life. We know that life has a weird way to teach us, because it gives the exams first and the lessons afterwards… Now maybe you don’t know why you have to feel this way and have no goal in life, no more dreams… But later you will. It’s ok to not-know… It’s actually a gift so you can experience yourself.
How can you do that? By taking time, every day, every moment, to just do what makes you feel good, deep deep down… You will enjoy your own presence and see how awesome you are and a badass in life because you become more and more ok with the ‘not-knowing’ state that will allow the waves of life itself to take you to exactly where you need to keep going… the only true purpose that you have in life, the true goal, the true dream… to be at one, with you. To surrender completely is to find yourself.
So may you embrace all the waves of lives, the ups and downs, the driven moments and lost moments for they are all there for you, just for you, to learn to be the Phoenix constantly rising, never defeated, always more magnificent.
May you feel like the badass warrior that you are… When you accept the place of nothingness that you might be in, it becomes the most powerful place to be; allowing you to just be you, in this amazing life that we all get to share here, on Earth, right now.